I thought it was just me (but Brene was right!)
I’ve had a shitty week.
In fact - financially, i’ve had a shitty year! And the last few months things have gotten progressively worse to the point that I have spent most of my night-times this week on my knees - Elizabeth Gilbert style - in tears begging for guidance.
Then this morning I woke up and just felt the need to write, to speak, to share. And so I did - in a group where I felt safe enough to do so - I just spilled my guts and left it there. I let go.
What happened next overwhelmed me.
There was an incredibly outpouring of love, and offerings from women who wanted to help. This didn’t surprise me, because I know the capacity of the human spirit, and more specifically of the female spirit.
What did surprise me was the number of women who commented on how they felt the same. Who thanked me for being courageous enough to speak my truth and make them feel less alone. Who too have felt or do feel "I must be the only one".
So I tried a little experiment;
I shared in another group, and on Instagram and I started to get more comments and shares and love. Women all around me were being encouraged by my vulnerability - not shunning it, or scorning it, or trying to fix it. They were connecting, thanking me for standing up and making them feel less alone.
And so I thought, how many more?
How many more women silently suffer inside their heads, their homes, their hearts with this pain?
How many more women - especially in the entrepreneurial world - feel so overpowered by their own shame of failing, of not providing, of not succeeding that they are locking away these feelings and driving themselves either into the ground with trying so hard, or underground because they can’t bear it any longer?
And so I decided to do two things.
First I decided to write this blog post in the hope of reaching more women.
I decided to share my vulnerability out there - in the big World Wide Web. I post it here for you in the hope that it helps you to feel less alone.
Less like curling up in a ball on your bathroom floor at night.
Less like quitting your soul-driven business when the world so desperately needs you.
And then I decided to create #wearesoulwarriors.
Which is going to be a way for me to create a community for all of us to be safe and courageous and sacred together in our vulnerability so that we can grow stronger together.
And so I leave you with my words below, as shared with my group on a lonely saturday morning.
And I look forward to welcoming you as the #wearesoulwarriors sisterhood begins to emerge from what I thought was the end of a journey. Instead, a dark night has once again given rise to a new and beautiful dawn.
"I'm feeling spent. And alone. I fear sharing my situation in case anyone thinks I'm a shit coach and won't hire me. But that's happening already so here goes!!! I'm done. I'm broke. I'm about to have to pull my son out of nursery because I can't pay. Which means I can't work daytimes. I feel abandoned by everything. Prayers, the universe, the works. I've meditated, prayed, begged, broken. I've surrendered, asked for guidance, lowered prices. And nada. In 7 days time everything I have worked so hard to achieve for my son - his stability, community, confidence - will be gone because I couldn't make sales. I couldn't uncover what ever-friging-block it is that is standing in the way of me and abundance. I'm terrified at posting this because I fear people will judge me. But I also know I'm such a damn good coach, and everyone has their lessons to learn. So I'm just being truthful and authentic. And in a week I may disappear if I have to return to life as a benefits mom. And that breaks my heart. Not just for my son. But for me. Because I need this. I love this. And I don't want to have to lay it down. But I'm guessing now I must. X”
See you on the other side #soulwarrior.
Big love, Mary