The hidden gifts in asking why.
This time 5 years ago I was recovering from my 4th miscarriage. This pregnancy had gone further than all the others, and despite being told scan after scan that it wasn't looking viable, I was SURE that this was the one that would make it.
I refused to have a D&C because I had read so many stories of hidden heartbeats, and incorrect scans, I was determined to wait it out. It was a long and painful process.
Eventually a very wise friend said to me that I needed to let go.
I needed to say goodbye to yet another baby, and give it permission to leave my body for clearly this wasn't its time.
This was possibly the most painful thing I think that had ever been asked of me by anyone to date. To willingly let go of the thing that I desired the most. But strangely, as soon as I did I began to miscarry straight away and within 2 days another pregnancy was over.
My suffering following this loss was enormous. I couldn't understand why I was struggling to carry a pregnancy, and I felt punished and victimised by God, the Universe and every single power that be that I had prayed to.
At the time I was on my CST training and my very dear friend & mentor bravely suggested to me that I start to ask "why" rather than "why me?". What was the lesson that I wasn't learning? What needed to be realised and brought into my heart before I could move through this and onto the next stage of the journey?
Enter the second most painful thing I had had to do!!
To begin to answer that question meant that I had to consider the possibility that I may not carry my own baby to term, or may not have my own children. I wasn't prepared for those kind of questions. I don't think any woman ever is.
It took me a long time to shift from the victim mode of "why me" to the spiritual curiosity and bravery of the "why".
Multiple miscarriages wasn't the first time in life that I had struggled with incidents of pain and suffering that repeated themselves. Mostly I thought I was just unlucky! My husband at the time said my family was cursed! You could well think this to be true as we all had patterns of health problems and traumas that spanned generations!
I eventually realised that our sacred lessons in life will revisit us until we realise and integrate the learning. It was an eye and heart opener and a life changer. Not only did I swiftly and safely conceive and carry my next pregnancy after that-I learned something in life that had taken me maybe 30years too long.
And so how would it be for you to switch from asking "why me?" to just "why?".
How would it be for you to sit with the questions - "what is the lesson here? What am I not learning for this to keep showing up in my life?"
Being able to ask this kind of question of yourself is not an easy task for many, if not most. But for me it holds the key to switching from living life as a victim, and living life free.
Sometimes our situation doesn't even change, sometimes it can change for the worst, but mostly what begins to happen as we enter into this spiritual curiosity is that we start to understand the reason WHY.
We begin to see what life, God, the Universe is trying to teach us, and that quite possibly it even had our back all along if only we had realised sooner!
I invite you today to take a pause, drop the 'me, and just sit with the question of why is this happening and see what whispers your heart has to share with you.
A single mama to her imaginative, inventive & ever-inquisitive 4yr old, you will either find Mary looking for pirate treasure, hunting dinosaurs or on a yoga mat!
Mary teaches women to use their body as a compass to navigate their way to a soul-inspired life (learning a few life-lessons along the way!). Her passion, wisdom & intuition will help you uncover your biggest obstacles with graceful ease, and propel you into living the life you dream of.
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